Finger goo in my water
Lunch today at my
favorite Thai restaurant: chicken satay. Yummy.
But it was the waiter's
handling of my glass of water that made me
queasy. Maybe it's because of my previous work with the deads, but I know way too much about bacteria, microbes, and assorted creepy
things that lurk on hands, under fingernails, etc. So I place a premium on at least the appearance of cleanliness, particularly in restuarants.
This particular place does the thing with
drink straws where they leave about an
inch of paper on the top; when ready to drink you take the paper off and you've got yourself a clean straw you can put your mouth on without worrying about catching TB or herpes.
Instead of lifting the straw by the paper to place in the glass, this waiter, who I affectionately call
"Numb-nuts", did this: grabbed it towards the middle/bottom of the straw, pulled it out of the container, and dunked it in my glass. So his
finger goo was then directly in the water, atoms and molecules slowly seeping into my drinking H2O.
Then, he dug for a lime, managing to
touch every part of the meat instead of the peel, and dropped it in the water, too. Charming.
I refuse to eat at Waffle House because they cook everything right in front of you and you can watch the
stomach-churning rituals employed prior to your food actually making it to the grill or toaster: greasy fingers all over everything, no gloves, nothing. So now my favorite Thai restaurant wins the Waffle House good hygiene award, and I'll be
going elsewhere to eat lunch henceforth.
A fistfight. And God is watching!
Today, from the roof of my new office building, I saw a
fistfight break out in the delivery receiving area of the building next to me.It was loud, too. Lots of "
M-fer's" and "
I'll eff you up", etc. You could hear it, I imagine for at least a couple buildings down the way.
The fight was between
people who worked in the building in question. They banged each other up pretty nicely, and then the police arrived, and one thing led to another, and they were both taken away.
Where do they work? The Salvation Army, of all places. The Salvation Army slogan is "Doing the most good, one soul at a time". Today, it was "Beating the snot out of each other, one soul at a time". When Mike Tyson gets out of jail again, there'll be a job waiting for him there.
Praise the Lord.
Spam, and The Beach Boys
Got a
spam today and I was fascinated by it; it was almost...poetic. And while I was checking email and saw it, I happened to be listening to one of my favorite songs,
"Surf's Up", by the
Beach Boys. Compare and contrast the two:
- Do no astute telemetry partridge, but pave cobra, fission. The prescription cause Charlotte, is admiral, he halves specialized--pipeline. My as deem; go surgery. With my recitation green Holland.
- A diamond necklace played the pawn. Hand in hand some drummed along. Oh, to a handsome man and baton. A blind class aristocracy. Back through the opera glass you see the pit and pendulum drawn columnated ruins domino.
#1 is the spam, #2 is the Beach Boys. Neither make sense (what is "columnate ruins domino"?). So I'm thinking that
Brian Wilson (at right), genius that he is, is perhaps
moonlighting as a spam email creator. Sort of like those people who work at Hallmark, thinking up shit to say in greeting cards? Why not? It's a living.
Memorial Day, 2008
This morning,
Memorial Day Monday, I was driving early. Early. No need to tell you what I'd been up to, but if I were to hint I'd say it involved
handcuffs, strawberry syrup, with Deftones turned up really loud providing "atmosphere". Anyway, I'll leave it to your imagination. But I had fun. I think. Parts of the night, my memory is sorta...hazy. Well, in truth, it's not there at all.
Mais moi, je digresse. Je suis désolé à ce sujet. Mangez-moi si vous êtes fou à moi.
So, snaking through the empty freeway downtown about 5:30am, breaking the speed limit, driving with one eye closed, sucking on a Camel Red, I thought to myself:
Nigel, you fat disgustimg fuck turd, you should be observing Memorial Day in a responsible and respectable way. You shouldn't be out and about, gadding around like a 22 year old trust fund baby awasting grand-dad's inheritance. No. You should be somewhere where they're taking things seriously.
So, my darling shlubbies, that's what I did. There's a War Memorial here and they were having a program beginning at 10am. I'd heard it was
somber and serious and in no way involved silly shit like parades and BBQ. That's what I wanted.
I have a friend, a former work colleague and drinking buddy, who lost his only son in Iraq. So, I was thinking the whole time about him (the father--and the mother) and what his 26 year old son gave up for the rest of us. And of course, thinking about the son. So, the ceremony was exactly what I hoped for and I don't mind telling you that, despite my advanced physical decrepitness and plain-to-all-who-looked hangover,
I was fully there.And, you know,
there was something in my eye the whole goddamm time. Couldn't get rid of it.
Lance Cpl. Ryan J. Sorensen, 26, of Boca Raton, Fla. 8/9/79--11/6/2005.And if that's not enough for you:
read this.
An update
I've been out of town and had no time to update.
No great loss, I bet, from your perspective. But I feel like I should say SOMETHING, so here goes:
Buff My Scrotum, shlubbies.
Dunkin Donuts ice cream truck
When you can't wait, you can't wait. Apparently Dunkin' Donuts is now sending out the equivalent of those old ice cream trucks that used to cruise neighborhoods (remember?), and our police person couldn't resist!
A test -- why don't you take it, too?
All my answers below, they be true, I'm telling you!Do you like swiss cheese?Yupper.
Do you own any weapons?Numerous guns. And my first ex-wife used to use her "entertainment center" as a weapon, too, but she's long gone.
What is your favorite candy?Hoadley's Violet Crumble Bar.
Do you get nervous before dentist appointments?No.
Favorite Christmas tradition?Settling in on the Barcolounger to watch my favorite holiday movie:
Scarface. It makes me moist in all the right places, mostly because of Michelle Pfeiffer, and the interplay between Al Pacino and Steven Bauer is thespianism at its finest. And that chainsaw in the bathroom scene? Nothing says "Yuletide Greetings" better.
What do you prefer to drink in the evening:You want a list? Beer, vodka, scotch, sambuca. I'll even do shots of Galliano.
Can you do chin ups?Broke my arms 4 times, twice left and twice right. The first break, they couldn't fix right. Arm doesn't bend properly and I have chronic pain with it -- have every day since I was 6 years old. So, no, I can't do chin ups. Or push ups, either, for the same reason.
What's your favorite piece of furniture?My Select Comfort air bed. Goes great with the blow up doll.
Secret weapon to get the opposite sex?Soak handkerchief. Then, approach and ask: "excuse me, does this smell like chloroform to you?"
Do you have OCD?No. Wait. I need to re-type that. Wait. No. Again. Dammit. No.
Name 3 thoughts at this exact momentI'm tired. Why am I filling this stupid questionnaire out? And I need a sambuca.
Name 3 things you bought yesterday:20 ounce Budweisers. Actually, I had 5 of them.
Current pet peeve:Work.
Favorite place to be?Beach.
Where would you like to travel?Back in time, to my extremely idyllic childhood. To this day, I get all sentimental whenever I pass by a trailer park. Aaah, the memories!
Got any tattoos?Nope. But I've got skin tags, and some warts, too.
Can you touch your nose with your tongue?No. I reserve tongue touching for other, more serious pursuits.
Would you be a treasure hunter?Hell no! Woods, trees, creepy-crawlies, wide open spaces, pygmies. Need I say more?
What is the first thing you do in the shower?Try to avoid the mold growing in the grout.
Favorite girl's names?Gladys, Beryl, Hortense.
Favorite boy's names?Throckmorton,
Llewellyn, Digballs.
What is in your pocket right now?A pack of Camels, a snotrag, 22 cents, and a Beretta 25 Jetfire with hollow-point ammo.
What's the last thing you did last night?Sang lunch. Heaved. Talked to the toilet. Bought the round-trip meal ticket. Had a technicolor yawn. (See entry above about the 5 Budweisers).
Worst injury you've ever had?Being in love. Oh, and the 4 broken arms and that pesky testicular cancer -- when I was just 15. That was fun. And it changed my singing voice forever.
Do you love where you live?No.
Does someone have a crush on you?Are you fucking
kidding me? Hell, no!
What is your favorite sport?Women's Topless Cricket.
What is your favorite sports team?The Scottsdale Community College
Fighting Artichokes.
What songs do you play when you're angry?Mandy, by Barry Manilow; Heartbeat You're A Love Beat, by the DeFranco Family. Julie Julie Julie do You Love Me, by Bobby Sherman. LOUD.
What were you doing at 6 pm last night?Wishing my scrotum was getting buffed.
Job change=endless goddamm meetings
I've made a job switch and am no longer embalming at the death house. Now I'm
consulting other funeral homes; flying around the country to do it.
You should see the Powerpoint presentations--yummy! Anyhow, I'm Mr. Delta Frequent Flyer Mega-Shmega Medallion Miles and what with all the miles racking up, will be able to jet for free around the world 18 times before the end of the year. I'm on a
first name basis with three flight attendants. But my life is nothing but meetings. Meetings. Meetings. Meetings.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
This stuff just writes itself, Chapter 3
Another "I peed my pants laughing" story. True, too
.
A 13 year old boy from Texas is convicted of fraud after using his Father's credit cards to hire escorts.
Ralph Hardy, a 13 year old from Newark, Texas confessed to ordering an extra credit card from his father's existing credit card company, and
took his friends on a $30,000 spending spree, culminating in
playing "Halo" on an Xbox with a couple of hookers in a Texas motel. No sex occurred; the boys just wanted to play video games with the girls.
Asked why he ordered two escorts, Ralph said he thought it was the thing to do when you win a "World of Warcraft" tournament. They told the suspicious working girls they were people of restricted growth working with a traveling circus, and as State law does not allow those with disabilities to be discriminated against they had no right to refuse them. (!!! INGENIOUS!!!)
Ralph's ambition is to one day become a politician.
The full story is here.
Angry airline passengers can buff my scrotum
As you know, I've been on lots of planes lately,
flitting about the country like a degenerate moth. But a degenerate moth that keeps them there flight attendants hopping, running up and down the aisle between my seat and the galley, sloshing their way towards me with those yummy
double screwdrivers. There's something about washing down bags of airline peanuts with plastic cups full of Smirnoff and Minute Maid, something...magical. But I digress.
Comes now two stories from the wonderful world of aviation:
- A Jet Blue pilot forces a passenger to sit on the toilet for three hours while flying cross country;
- A Southwest Airlines passenger refuses to stop talking on his mobile phone while in flight and is arrested upon landing.
The first story is ludicrous on its face. Not the story, but what the pilot did. Read the details to see.
The second story pisses me off. Not the story, but the pud-knocking slagheap twatface guy who wouldn't shut his cell phone off. He kept telling the flight attendants to kiss his ass -- so the police met him upon landing and took him to jail, where his ass will get
much more attention than what would have been provided by a pair of flight attendant lips.
Apparently, and like about 95% of the rest of the goddamm population, this batfart believes the rules just don't apply to him. Because, after all, he's special, a man of industry who's got
big things to do and important people to see! The world is full of these douchebags; you see them everywhere.
They can join the millions out there to whom I say:
buff my scrotum. But please, not in jail (
*shudder*), like Mr. All Important Businessman on Southwest Airlines. Gotta draw the line somewhere.
Time for another national profile: The English
More from the genius,
P. J. O'Rourke, and the classic
National Lampoon May 1976 edition, "Unwanted Foreigners".
Today's victim:
the English.
Racial characteristics: Cold blooded queers with nasty complexions and terrible teeth who once conquered half the world but who still haven't figured out central heating. They warm their beers and chill their baths and boil all their, food, including bread. An intensely snobbish group, but who exactly they're snubbing remains an international mystery. Lately they've been getting their comeuppance world-power wise, as their shabby, antiquainted back alley of a little country slowly winds down like the ill crafted windup playthings their undersized children are so fond of. They all have large collections of something useless like lamp finials or toad eggs, and they would have lost both world wars if it wasn't for us. They like to be spanked with canes and that's exactly what they deserve.
Good points: It's relatively easy to make yourself understoodwith them.
Proper forms of address: Limey, lime eater, nancy boy, pom, poof
Deunk and disgusgting.
Here'a the stream of consciousness whilst under the influence of alcohol, unedited. Take it for what it's worth a la a goddamm science experiment:
- Ok, I made it home, drunk, but not so bad that I couldn'r pass the guccjls= test that the basteards make u take./ I'm ok.
- Missing eevverthing. huigngry. Wanna eat saome meat. How abojt sausages?
- Yup. how about sausages. Need to eget a woman to want to eat sausages with me. how to mkae thanHappen? I dunnko.
- lgja;kg;kneed another beer ot towo. maybae three.
- I have apologizws ro rhrat woman who thinks i love her but I make her disgusted bwinf around hwer so it' s wasy to see why she finda me grotesque. I do.
- once again touch tupring destroys mu abiluty to do any fofggggammm thing. I hare that, don't uou.?
Therer you have the Nigel I am Drunk off my ass post, for all you hastards to sseee. eat me, and buff my scrotum if you arnelt happy with that. let;s have a fucjing beer.
Blow up doll for Nigel
I got this in an email from a friend of mine. It made me laugh:
"Hey Nigel, I wanted to buy you a special present to commemorate Israel's 60th birthday. And also your lack of nookie. So I went to the Naughty Playthings sex shop yesterday and got you a Palestinian sex doll. But when I got it home, it blew itself up."Yeah, I would have gone all jihad on it anyway. Thanks, chum.
Porn on a Delta flight
Sorry for the
dearth of posts; it's been insane at work. More the consulting/traveling stuff than the actual day-to-day work at the funeral home. But here's something fun that happened over the weekend.
Saturday I'm on a Delta flight, seat 3B, heading for Vegas, and it's loading -- people jostling in the aisles, etc. Just as everyone gets seated the
TV screens drop down all of a sudden and a video starts. Not the safety video. Noooo. 'Twas a
soft-core porn video, about halfway into the movie. I kid you not. Here's what the whole plane saw, and while it was on there was dead silence from the passengers:
Scene: man and woman talking on a phone.
Woman: I want you to take it out. Go ahead, take it out.
Man: (reaching for his zipper) OK, I'm doing that.Woman: Now I'm getting down on my knees in front of you...THE END. Unfortunately. One of the flight attendants jumps to the machine and shuts it off. One passenger starts applauding. A few are laughing. All the flight attendants are blushing.
True story. It made my day.
Instead of lifting the straw by the paper to place in the glass, this waiter, who I affectionately call "Numb-nuts", did this: grabbed it towards the middle/bottom of the straw, pulled it out of the container, and dunked it in my glass. So his finger goo was then directly in the water, atoms and molecules slowly seeping into my drinking H2O.
